


Healing and Hurting

by Girlwithholesin



Series: Terex is a monster [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Blackmail, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Pre-Relationship, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlwithholesin/pseuds/Girlwithholesin
Summary: Time is passing and Poe is healing, albeit slowly. There's still a lot to work through but things are kind of looking up. Until a rather large spanner gets thrown in the works. Because I am a monster and Poe really does hurt so prettily.This is mostly set up for the next fic which will be a lot more hurt and then planning a final piece with all the comfort because lets face it he really needs it.
Series: Terex is a monster [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761241
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Healing and Hurting

It had been months now since Poe had made it back from his brief but vicious captivity at the hands of Terex. Months and he was still struggling. Oh, things were definitely better. He was even back at work, full time and no longer grounded. He'd even left Ajan Kloss, more than once. Just not in his X-Wing and never alone. Day to day life had gotten easier. It had been a busy time for the Resistance, the transition from a small, rag tag bunch fighting a war that wasn't as cold as advertised into a political peace keeping powerhouse was anything but smooth. 

It would have been easier if Leia was still here. Princess, Senator, General. She knew her way around this world in a way that Poe just didn't. He didn't doubt her, even now. He'd wanted to be a hero but she'd seen something else in him, the same thing his instructors back at the Academy had seen. A leader. He was trying, he really was. It was just all a bit much even without the ongoing issues Terex had left him with. 

It was hard to tell sometimes if he had genuinely forgotten to eat because he had five meetings in a row or if he was avoiding the memories eating still brought up. Was he sleeping badly because Rey was gone longer than anticipated or was it more to do with the fact he'd promised Finn he wouldn't sleep on the floor anymore and the bed still felt wrong more often than not? So he was tired and a touch overwrought, which sometimes left him in the wrong headspace for diplomacy but at least he did eat most days, he managed a few hours of something that passed for rest.

Finn helped. Not always with the diplomacy stuff - not everyone appreciated Finn's occassionally brutal honesty the way Poe did - but his presence was steadying. Soothing. Finn could remind Poe until the end of their days that he had tried to run on multiple occasions early on. That didn't matter, not to Poe. He'd stayed and more to the point he had a protective streak so wide it could encompass galaxies when it came to the people he cared about. So yeah, he made Poe feel safe in a way very few other people did. 

There were the others too. Jannah had taken point on their attempts to support First Order Stormtroopers who wanted to break their conditioning. Kaydel had spent a lot of time with Leia right up until the end and it showed. Rose was surprisingly good at the whole politics thing, possibly because like Finn she knew what actually mattered. Few people could stand up to her earnest tenacity for long. It helped having an actual Jedi on board too. 

So things progressed and day by day things got a little bit easier. No one, not his friends and not the members of Jannah's unit mentioned Terex. At first he had thought it was just around him, that maybe some of them were talking (laughing) behind his back. That really didn't seem to be the case. It wasn't even a protective thing. It just seemed like they were happy to have him back, grateful for what he'd done and quietly determined to save him from his stupid self sacrifice shtick if they needed to in the future. As far as he could tell no one thought less of him. 

All of which was great. Except... He still did. 

Poe had always thought he was strong. Sure he made mistakes (awful ones sometimes) but he'd always had a strong sense of right and wrong and the determination to back it. Then he'd broken the first time. He could see it now with a clarity he'd lacked at the time. His horror at what Ren had pulled from his head, his inability to stop it. The fear that he'd let everyone down, that Leia didn't trust him anymore. That Holdo had kept things from him because she could see how weak he was, the security risk he presented. All of which had been a big part of the driving force behind his admittedly reckless decision making around the evacuation. 

Understanding made it marginally easier to accept the idea he might one day be able to forgive himself, as Leia had. 

Terex, that was a whole other story. With Ren, against the Force he had been virtually helpless. Finding out that there were things in the universe he couldn't stand against had been humbling. With Terex he'd had a choice. It had been different. Not humbling but degrading, mortifying. Soul destroying. 

Which was why he was here, doing some maintenance on the ship he would never love the way he had Black One but which nonetheless had been a joy to fly. He couldn't quite explain his reluctance to take her up now. The awful smell that lingered - except Finn said he couldn't detect even the faintest aroma - was part of it. The barely visible stain on the seat. Mostly it was fear. Fear that he wouldn't love it anymore, that the cockpit would feel like a trap instead of the promise of freedom. 

His time with Terex had taken a lot from Poe. No permanent physical damage. That had been the deal and Terex had stuck to it. Sure he sometimes woke in the night, feet feeling bruised and cramping in pain but the harm wasn't really physical in nature. He'd been left damaged, even if him saying as much upset Finn. The nightmares, the difficulty eating, the phantom pain and flashbacks. None of that was going away, it was just that he was - slowly - finding ways to manage it. Terex had cost him peace of mind and left behind self doubt, replaced easy confidence with anxious self loathing. The idea he might have taken the pilot's love of flying too was intolerable. So Poe was determined to take it back. 

He just wasn't ready yet. 

As if summoned by the maudlin mood Poe was struggling through Finn materalised at his side. This was another thing he refused to let Terex take from him. Poe had been crushing pretty hard on Finn pretty much since he'd sprung Poe from the torture room on the Finalizer. During the war there hadn't been time to explore that, find out if his interest was reciprocated. Honestly after the mutiny and Crait he hadn't been convinced he deserved it anyway. 

After Exegol he had determined to at least ask. The last weeks of the war, the risks and near losses had made him realise that he was making excuses. There would never be an ideal time and if he waited forever all he would have would be regrets. That felt like a different time. The time before Terex. Which was more than frustrating because he could finally see what lay behind Finn's reassurances that there was nothing between him and Rose, or him and Rey. Nothing romantic anyway. He was as sure as he could be without outright asking that Finn cared for him in a way that wasn't restricted to friendship. He had definitely caught Finn checking him out - well Jess had but she'd been quick enough to point it out that Poe had caught him at it. 

Only that whole thing with Terex had gone down before he could bring himself to act on it and now... Well. He grew hot with shame just thinking about it. Terex had left him feeling soiled, used which was bad but he knew Finn didn't share those feelings. Finn had seen him at his absolute worst and still not shied away, staying with him and holding him, gently encouraging him to seek the help he needed. The casual touches the two had always shared hadn't gone away, Finn was just as quick as ever to catch him in a hug or tug on his hands. The nights Poe couldn't settle Finn would lie down with him and just cuddle him. So the chances were high that he hadn't lost whatever attraction he had for Poe. 

The issue was entirely on Poe's side. 

Time was he'd been a huge fan of sex, particularly within a relationship that allowed for the level of intimacy he'd always sought. Now though... He didn't know what he wanted, what he'd be ok with. What he knew was that things he had once loved now made him feel sick. People playing with his hair had been a source of pleasure and comfort since childhood, until Terex. If he couldn't cope with even Finn stroking his hair how would he react to going down on the man? Not that they'd talked about any of this. Not that sex was even necessary just... Poe wanted and he didn't know how to feel about that. Especially as there was one thing he still hadn't confessed, not to Finn or Dr Kalonia or even the therapy droid he saw most weeks. 

Some of the times Poe dreamt about Terex he didn't wake tearful or screaming, he woke hard and desperate. Sometimes when he just couldn't get comfortable in bed and he knew he was getting dangerously over tired he took himself in hand. Coming had always chilled him out, settled him, helped him sleep. It still did - its just that now he couldn't seem to get there without replaying the feel of Terex' hand, oh so gently bringing him off. 

Finn had a theory - partly shared by the therapy droid - that Poe had a tendency towards replaying parts of his trauma to punish himself. The droid said it was more about processing but everyone seemed in agreement that part of what he was doing was acting out his anger with himself for letting Terex have so much control over him. Much as it made him shift in embarrassment to admit it Poe had to concede they were probably right. This though, this felt different. 

"Poe? You doing OK?"

Right. Finn was right here, talking to him and he'd completely zoned out. 

"Yeah buddy. I'm good. Just tired."

"Want to get some food? I head out in the morning so figured it might be good to get dinner together."

Poe couldn't help but twitch slightly. He knew Finn was leaving. He'd finally confided that he thought he could feel the force, maybe even use it and now that things were calming down the time had come for Finn and Rey to take a little Jedi away trip. Go visit some ruins and meditate. Or throw rocks at each other. Poe wasn't clear on the details. What mattered was that Finn was going. Just for a week, nothing too long. Still he wasn't looking forward to it. 

So he let himself be lead away from the X-Wing and joined Finn and the others for a dinner he struggled through three whole mouthfuls of. He only got that far because he was trying desperately not to ruin this for Finn and he knew damn well that if he seemed like he wasn't coping Finn would put the trip off. Despite his best efforts he caught Finn making that adorable frowny face he made when he was worried so he wasn't surprised when Finn insisted on walking him to this tent afterwards.

"You're gonna be OK Poe."

"I know buddy. I'm fine. Really. I mean, not gonna lie, some nerves here but it turns out I am actually an adult and I can probably manage without my best friend for a bit. Just... Stay safe OK?"

"I'm coming back, you know that right?"

Poe nods, smiles and even though he knows there's a sad cast to it at least its genuine. 

"I know."

Ever since the situation with Jannah and her team they'd tightened security. Terex had form for listening in to transmissions he shouldn't have had access to after all and even if they'd never found any proof he had hinted at a spy in the Resistance ranks. Not to mention there were other threats out there whether they be remnants of The First Order, opportunistic crime lords or even political rivals. So now they had an ever changing pattern of check ins, Rose had done something Poe couldn't follow to further scramble their comms and no one went anywhere alone. 

All of which was good and seemed to be proving effective when combined with all the Intel C3P0 and a few well placed individuals could get them. None of which stopped the shiver of unease at the thought of Finn and Rey out there, without him. 

"You still taking BB?"

"Yeah. If you're sure? I thought you might want him with you."

"Oh believe me, I do. I just need eyes I can trust on you. Besides Rey loves my droid, no way she's gonna let anything stop her bringing him home."

Not that BB8 was entirely happy with this plan. The little droid new Poe better than anyone, and whilst he did love going on adventures with Rey he was not happy about leaving Poe right now. Not that Poe pointing out BB wasn't able to stop him doing something stupid last time Finn and Rey were away had helped. Explaining that BB was the only one he trusted to keep Finn safe did the trick though. There was still some sulking in effect but when Poe retired for the night BB was right there, charging lights blinking.

He didn't get up early enough to say goodbye. If he had he feared he might do something ridiculous like beg them to stay. So he faked sleep and got a tiny zap for it, then hid in his tent after telling BB to pass on his well wishes for the trip. Then he was alone. On a base full of people, many of whom were friends and the vast majority of whom looked up to and respected him. Still he felt alone. 

The first two days weren't too bad. Suralinda appeared to squeeze in an interview for a piece she was working on. Life after victory of something. The timing was definitely not suspicious but he decided against questioning it. Truthfully it felt pretty great to have one of the old Squadron here. Karé hadn't stuck around long, the celebrations a bit much given the depth of her grief over Snap. She'd hugged him fiercely before leaving, telling him not to blame himself and promised to get in touch but Poe wasn't holding his breath. Jess had returned to the New Republic, wanting to rebuild the academy and the navy they'd all once been proud to be part of though she visited when time allowed. So yeah, it was good to see Sura.

They drank and laughed and teased each other in all the ways only very old friends could and then their merriment drew a small crowd. Kaydel, Rose, for some reason 3P0. Which was when it occurred to Poe to wonder - did Suralinda even know? She'd not been around when the whole thing with Terex went down. He had to assume she didn't, she would definitely have said something by now. It crossed his mind to tell her but it was nice to realise he had friends who hadn't seen him shaking through withdrawal or trying to affect a rescue in piss stained pants. 

So the first few days weren't bad at all. He was even starting to feel confident that this separation might be a good thing. Prove to himself he could manage. Reassure himself that nothing dreadful was going to happen if he didn't permanently have eyes on odd little family he'd gathered around him. Then the message came. 

He was alone in the command center, working late to tire himself out enough for sleep. No calls were scheduled, they weren't waiting on anything urgent. So the incoming message alert startled him. Probably he should have called someone incase it was urgent but he was tired and surprised enough not to think of it. The second he accepted the call he was glad he hadn't, even as he knew this wasn't something he should try to deal with alone. 

At first it wasn't clear what he was seeing, a grainy image playing out. Then he recognised the room, the table Terex liked to eat at jumping out at him. He didn't want to keep watching, he really didn't. Wished he could tear his eyes away from the man on his knees, leaning in to accept a bite from his master's hand. Hated knowing that the familiar curly head was his own. 

It took him several attempts to find his voice. 

"What do you want Terex."

"Is that anyway to say hello pet?"

"Fuck. You."

"Just checking in. I hear your recovery is going better than anticipated."

"You don't have a spy. We checked."

"No? Then how did I know you'd be alone right now?"

Fear flooded his system then, stealing his breath. The grainy image was replaced with a clearer one, just Terex face looming large and smiling cruelly. 

"I..."

"How are you General? Really? Feeling all better?"

The mocking tone was clear evidence Terex knew he wasn't. What was he meant to say here? What did Terex want? 

"I've heard honesty is an important part of the healing process. I thought I could help. Do your people know what we did together? I could show them. I could show the entire Resistance. Even the Senate."

"What do you want?"

"A meeting."

"No."

"You don't have to come alone. Bring whoever you want."

"I'm not going to let you blackmail me."

"I believe you. You know, I've always admired that about you Poe. I truly believe that no matter what I threatened you with you wouldn't care enough to risk your precious Resistance. I do hope they appreciate your dedication."

"Good. We're done here."

"I don't think so. Not if you care about your cause and the fragile peace you're trying so hard to maintain. You see, you're involved in politics now. The Resistance lives or dies on your heroic reputation. After all - you're the one General Organa chose to trust with it."

"And what, you think..."

"I know that you have enemies. Rivals. People who are just waiting for an excuse to tear down everything you've created. Not to mention those who support you because you're a hero. Would they still see you that way, trust you with all these big world changing decisions if they saw you as I had?"

There was nothing to be said to that. Terex wasn't entirely wrong. Poe could be replaced - there was more than one heroic General. They had a Jedi. They had every single person who had stood and fought and their victory had ensured a lot of good will. If Terex released proof of Poe's time with him it wouldn't kill the Resistance. It would harm it though. Badly. They'd already weathered the storm caused by his mutiny, largely due to Leia's faith in him. This though? This would take a lot of time and all the propoganda Suralinda could write to come back from. 

"So what? I come to you again and then you just have more blackmail material."

"What's the matter General? Not feeling trusting today? I kept to our last deal. I'd keep to a new one. Meet with me, two weeks from now. A negotiation. A trap of sorts but a clever man who knows what he's walking into shouldn't have difficulty springing it."

This was a bad idea. A stupid idea. He couldn't risk placing himself back in Terex' hands. 

"Where?"

"I'll let you know."

Finn should be back by then. They could talk it through. Figure something out. Something that wasn't Poe giving himself back into Terex' clutches for even a single second. They just had to figure out Terex' angle here. 

"Poe?"

He looked up, only then realising that he was on the floor, leaning against the wall. Still in the command center. And that it was no longer night. Also he was shaking which wasn't a good look.

"Poe?"

"Kay. Hey. Sorry. I..."

"Go to bed. Me and Rose can manage in here."

"Yeah. Thanks."

Kaydel smiled sadly. 

"It as always going to be tough, Finn not being here. Take a day off boss. It won't kill you."

Poe didn't bother even attempting his trademark grin. There was no way he could pull it off. With a quick nod he all but fled the room. Two weeks to come up with a plan. Less than that until Finn returned. They could fix this. He had to believe they could fix this. Look once more for the spy - chances are they aren't willing - or perhaps its some fancy bug. Worth getting Rose to do another sweep. Nothing that needed to be kept quiet over comms. Terex might once again have found a way to listen in. 

His attempts to reassure himself failed utterly. As soon as he achieved privacy once more Poe let himself fall to the floor, curling up on his side. His hands tugged viciously at his hair. This couldn't happen again. It couldn't.


End file.
